North by Nolan Northwest
by A Penguin Named Jack
Summary: Learn how the Kingdom of North was first founded, in preparation for the coming war against the Baker Confederacy.


**This was originally written for the Playstation Community Forums. It is an intentionally bad parody. Knowing that you are all fangirls of some sort you'll be able to instantly recognize every meme and pop culture plagiarized so I don't have to list them.  
**

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It was another depressing cloudy day in the city of London, France. Nathan Drake had long retired from the dangerous life of treasure hunting after a nasty experience searching for the lost country of Yamatai resulted in the loss of one strand of his beautiful physics defying water defying hair. He had since brought the Pelican Pub, whose previous owner had mysteriously vanished after some punk in a suit with an old geezer in a suit beat up the bartender and all the patrons. The culprits were suspected of being the London Baldhunters, an extremist group dedicated to eradicating balds especially British balds and had never been found. Nathan Drake wondered why.

The pub was empty these days, and he only made every month's rent by a sliver. No one came to the Pelican anymore, it was like the dodo and the Native Americans of the London pub scene. Ever since that closeted lesbian syphillis cig Lara Croft had come strolling back into town all high and mighty stealing his customers. She had taken out Marston & Son's, Payne's Porter, Assassin's Weed Den, and with the passage of time she would take him out too. The only one that she couldn't stop was DeWitt's down the street, because a lot of people needed to sell off their children to pay their debts these days and DeWitt's was the only place where one could hand away their unwanted bastards and eat out of the garbage without losing their dignity at the same time.

"You're lying to me, Rika! I never hit you! Rika, you are tearing me apart!" And with that he slammed down the payphone breaking it into two symmetrical pieces.

Nathan Drake poured himself another shot of hard whiskey. It wasn't fair, how in the course of just two years he had gone from the unstoppable uncharted star to a down on his luck bartender. He thought he could've continued treasure hunting for the rest of his life but that incident trying to find Yamatai forced him to realize the illusion he had been living in. When his hair was dangling by a thread, he knew that he had to get out. And now here he was. There was no more being thrown out of trains, no more being drugged, but no fucking shit he missed all that. The only thing he now did was pour drinks every other three weeks, reach for a ring by his neck that was no longer there, and write more alimony and bastard support checks than he cared to count. Elena had also died in a grenade related mishap, but fuck Elena, a strand of his hair had died the same day. And the hair mattered to him much more than Fisher ever did.

Nathan Drake walked over to the beatdown record player, shifting through the racks of vinyls that he had "borrowed" from Flynn the night after Flynn caught Nate in bed with his twin sister. With no one around, he could finally put on the music he wanted to hear with no one to object. That was the one benefit of having no customers. Just as he was about to scratch his favorite Clash vinyl, he heard a mysterious plunk that sounded just a bit like a guitar. Coming from the kitchen.  
Well, about time he got to do something today, Nate decided. Probably just a rat or Chloe's crossbred raccoon-cat hybrid again.

But there was no rat or a Chloe-branded monstrosity today. Instead, there was a middle aged man on a stool propped up between the ovens and sanitation closet strumming away on an acoustic guitar. His brow was wrinkled, ridges had formed beneath his gazing eyes. The man's skin seemed to have shrunken in on himself. Worst of all, Nathan deduced, he had GROWN A BEARD. Oh god, facial hair was Nathan Drake's bane. And furthermore, he would've killed the man for his stupid hair alone if it hadn't been for English gun control.

"Great, financially strained, and now there's a random hobo in my kitchen. I swear to God, if Miranda's around the next corner.." Nathan Drake shuddered as the man stood up and set the guitar aside. He strode over to Nathan, until their eyes were only centimeters apart. There was a sound of a shotgun cocking, but there were no weapons in sight or in the secret compartments of the Pelican.

"I am David. I will eat you."

And then David smiled, baring his teeth. "Uh, yeah. Keep smiling, asshole. I'll see you soon." After saying that, Nathan ran screaming from the kitchen, shutting and barring the door behind him. He quickly grabbed his iPhone 6, hitting up the number for the man who had given him guidance all these years.

"Goddamnit Nate, I thought I told you not to call me at work." A grizzled Irish voice greeted him with utter disdain from the other end.

"Sully, this is important There's this weird hobo in the kitchen and he said he's going to eat me! I'm scared."

"Goddamnit, Nate. I can't fight all your battles for you. I need you to be a man. Go back in your kitchen, look the hobo in the eyes and tell him 'Don't eat me!'" And Sully hung up.

"Yeah, that really wasn't what I was hoping for." Nathan "And this leaves me only one option... Talbot because Cutter would only get himself killed against this freak-a-saurus. And as for Spyder... well, you're an idiot if you fight memes with memes as Sully always said."

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"Now, Nathan. I must warn you, my fees do not come light especially when exorcism is involved. And I doubt you are in the situation to pay me what you will owe me."

"Talbot... I was wondering. How exactly are you still alive? I mean, I shot you in the head and you fell into a sinking sand city..."

"Stunt doubles, Nathan. I suggest you look into hiring one you vain fruitcake. That, and life-size cardboard cutouts"

"So right after I shot you, you somehow swapped yourself out for a cutout Talbot while falling to your death..."

"I am quick with my hands. I do birthday parties too, you know."

"Yeah, I get it, Talbot. You think you're some badass magician of black magic. But really, Talbot, you're just a snide poorly developed asshat in a suit. Just get rid of that... that... thing and we'll sort things later, okay?"

To which Talbot responded. "I prefer you begin making payments now. Starting with something I like to call... no children for you." And he kicked Nathan really hard and killed some of his manliness in one fell swoop. And he went into the kitchen.

David was playing his guitar again, striking out a moody rendition of an unfamiliar tune. "This is a song called For Ellie. The sweet sugarplum who broke my heart." He wiped a tear from his eyes. "It still stings me where it matters, even to this day." He pointed at his heart at Talbot. "Have you ever loved someone that much?"

"There was once a lovely old gentlelady who took me out of the gutter and handed me a mop and a bucket and we were hooked from there on out. I will never forget old Kat, but I am not here to discuss my former sex life. I am here to take the trash out and get paidnlaid. And by trash, I mean you. Whoever you ar-" And David instantly rushed up to Talbot, staring him deep in the eyes while feeling him all over to see where the meat was the tenderest. A shotgun cocked for each step of David's body, which Talbot thought sounded awfully similar to his shotgun on a hot day.

"I am David. I will eat you." His lips extended into a smile.

"Yeah, eat this instead, uncivilized Yankee scum." Talbot flipped him the bird. To which David took a big chomp taking off Talbot's finger.

And Talbot ran screaming from the room.

"Nathan, Nathan!" He begged hysterically. "Desmond make me cr-" And to Nathan's horror David grabbed Talbot by the neck and threw him against the wall shattering him into a million bloody pieces. Om nom nom nom nom, David was now eating someone.

Well, that definitely didn't go as planned. There was only one final hope he had. But he had sworn them off years ago, because of that time he ate too many and everyone made fun of him for years. But they had saved his life once, and perhaps they would save him again. He reached into his secret gun cabinet, snatching the boxes filled with a joyful assortment of sprinkles and frosting with some additional articles for extra protection. The urge to rip them apart and gorge down was overwhelming, but Nate used the bulk of his strength to beat the beast back. It was now over never.

David was wiping his mouth as he held his machete firm in his other hand. Talbot had just been the side dish. There was something special about this Nathan he had tracked down. The man in all aspects was a stranger, but there was this uncanny connection David felt to the man. He had seen the man in his dreams, along with other bizarre figures. A whiny crybaby in a hoodie who played with toy knives, a stout man with an umbrella fetish, a black and red pony clopper, a prince of some middle eastern land, he had seen all these in his dreams and had been greatly disturbed at them. But he knew that everything happened for a reason, and this must've been the Lord's sign for him to track down and sever his connection to these wayward souls. And he started with the one whom he felt closest. But he wasn't expecting to find Nathan Drake right in front of him, wearing a bizarre pair of red goggles in front of him equipped with a wrench in one hand and a paw-print emblazoned shield in the other. On his head with a nice fur cap stitched from a million dead bandicoots. And faster than lightning, Nathan Drake produced two pink boxes.

"Do not eat me, for two doughnuts!" Nathan Drake smiled at him with a salesman's charm. "I can't hold 'em all for long!"

"No!" David snarled at him. "I won't eat you... for OVER NINETHOUSAND doughnuts!"

Nathan Drake smirked and hit a secret button on the wall. The wall opened up, revealing well over nine thousand doughnuts. "Your move."

"Everything happens for a reason." David realized to himself. Perhaps it wasn't his destiny to eat the other men of North, but to unite them against a common enemy he had also seen in his visions from the Lord. "Say, Nate. Have you seen a little girl around these parts? 5'4, brown hair, lovely green eyes, a scar on her left eyebrow, and freckles? She's very special to me. And a man stole her from me. Help me find her, and I promise I won't eat you."

"Okay."

"But there are others we must find first. For this man as we speak is gathering followers to his side. And we must prepare."

"As long as it doesn't involve clowns, I'm fine with that."

From that day forward, David and Nathan Drake roamed the world to unite the Kingdom of North (excluding the loser in the hoodie whom they murdered with a fire in the hole) so that David would reunite with his lost love and one day they would confront their enemies the Baker Confederacy to take her back... and the world would never be the same after that fateful impasse...

To be continued?

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**If you're interested in reading more adventures of David and Nathan Drake and how they met the other members of the Kingdom of North or about their first battle against the Baker Confederacy, too bad fangirl.****ITS NOT HAPPENING  
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End file.
